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June 25, 2018 by Dr. Chuck Carrington Leave a Comment

Porn Addiction Can Be Broken!

I never intended to become a porn addiction recovery specialist. In fact, if I had a choice, this would not be one I would have made. My preference in counseling has always been to focus on loss, grief, and trauma. But then again, porn addiction brings all three of those to a large number of pornography abusers. In retrospect, I suppose I should have chosen porn addiction recovery as a specialty after all. When I think of all the issue that have potential to kill the joy and trust in a relationship, porn comes in the top two. Perhaps actual adultery is the only issue that can top porn. Perhaps that isn’t even as destructive. After all, most men can recognize that adultery is wrong when you love someone. But porn? The majority of men do not understand or accept that porn is as damaging as adultery to the relationship, and are therefore less likely to stop. It took me over a year to perfect my approach to a level that I can honestly say any man who is willing can beat this curse. It isn’t easy, but with the right focus, it can be done.

“People change when they hurt enough that they have to change, learn enough that they want to change, receive enough that they are able to change.” John Maxwell

I have found that all three components must be present for real and lasting change. To accomplish this triad of healing, I developed a specific protocol of skills coaching, individual counseling, group support, and spouse support that bring about real change. Change begins when it hurts to be confronted with truth and responsibility. But must must happen in a productive way, forcing the user grow so that the pain will end. Change continues when learning causes the user to develop empathetic awareness of self and of others,  creating a heartfelt need for change. And change is solidified when the user receives specific, strategic, and effective guidance into the nature of this insidious addiction. Such insight breaks through denial, empowers change, and replaces mental fusions with new beliefs and strategies.

Because of client needs, over the years I have been compelled to learn about the nature of porn abuse, the losses that it produces, the trauma that follows, and the grief that activates as the user realizes the scope of the damage porn has caused his (or at times, her) life. The loss first begins with damage to self-esteem. Shame begins to develop over time, inserting doubt into the user’s mind about their own worth. Later, as the addict’s porn obsession is found out, spouses and partners are wounded and pull back. At this point, shame tends to become toxic. This is where trauma is often realized. Trauma for the spouse when the relationship is rocked to its foundation. Trauma for the user when he faces the pain he has caused to the one he pledged his love. Trauma quickly blocks the relationship, and coping strategies are overwhelmed. Relationship hopes then become ambiguous as the partners try to foresee a positive outcome in the midst of doubt and pain.

Yes, porn recovery became a  specialty for me quite by accident. But in hindsight, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Sometimes a calling finds us while we are busy looking elsewhere. At least that is what happened for me.

Be blessed in you coming in and your going out, Dr. Chuck

Chuck Carrington Ph.D.

Do you, or someone you love, need help to break free of porn?

We offer individual skills coaching & training for men, conjoint counseling for couples, support & accountability groups for men, and support groups for spouses/partners. Call 757 9654-5450 for more information.

NEW! Coming later this summer (2018), VBCC will be piloting an online porn recovery group! Modeled after our highly effective on-site program, this group will be fully online. Email for details Support@VBCC.email and Pre-Register early to assure you have a place.

https://www.virginiabeachcoachingandcounseling.com/1005-2/

Filed Under: Internet Pornography Recovery

7 Warning Signs of Porn Addiction

March 28, 2018 by Dr. Chuck Carrington Leave a Comment

7 Warning Signs of Porn Addiction

March 19, 2018 by Dr. Chuck Carrington (Edit)

 7 Warning Signs of Porn Addiction:


 Defensive or Reactive Attitude:

  • Does he get angry or defensive about unexplained or recurring charges on your credit cards?
  • Does he resent you interrupting his time on the computer?
  • He gets angry when you try to discuss your love life.
  • He’s defensive when asked about porn use.
  • A request to stop looking at porn may be met with hostility, anger or denial.

Changes in Sexual Expectations or Preferences:

  • Does he ask or insist that you to perform sexual acts outside your norm or make you uncomfortable, demand that you engage in very odd positions, or increasingly risky venues?
  • Has his sexual appetite dramatically increased, decreased, or been lost altogether?
  • Has he become emotionally distant, distracted, or not “present” during intercourse?
  • Does he seem to have a change of desire such as in looking more intently at other women, younger women, or progressively younger women?
  • Does it take more and more stimulation or aggression for him to get to orgasm.
  • Has he been masturbating on a regular or increased basis, while at the same time lacks interest in sex or is sexually unresponsive?

Blame Shifting:

  • Does he make you feel used or belittled sexually or criticize your performance?
  • Is he blaming you for problems in the bedroom, or ignore you after he is finished with you?
  • Does it take more and more stimulation or aggression for him to get to orgasm.

Increasing Isolation

  • Demands for being alone on the computer, seeking more time to be alone, finding excuses not to go out with the family, spending more time in the bathroom, being secretive about his time. Spends an excessive amount of time on the computer, demands privacy and/or changing his bedtime ritual.

Changes in Energy Level:

  • Does he seem excessively tired? He may be spending time on the computer while he should be asleep.

Suspicious Behavior.

  • When the computer, does rush to type something on the keyboard when you come in? Does he clear the browser history frequently?
  • Does your husband seem to be less focused than usual?
  • Is he unable to complete tasks that he was able to before?
  • Is he more irritable than usual?  More withdrawn?  Does he resent you interrupting his time on the computer?
  • Does he have a private or secret email address or cellphone?
  • You feel like you’re no longer getting straight answers.
  • You feel like you’re no longer getting straight answers when you ask for explanations about why your love life has changed. He’s defensive when asked about porn use.

Changes in Mood

  • You notice withdrawal (emotional distress) when he stops watching porn.
  • Irritability increases without an obvious reason or trigger.
  • Seems more energized or excited when anticipating alone time.

Inability to Stop

  • Engages in high-risk behavior such as viewing porn at work, in social settings on his phone, or at libraries.
  • He continues to use pornography despite warnings at work.
  • Continues even when you tell him how you feel, even if you tell him you will leave him.
  • Continues to view, even after he develops a severe sexual dysfunction, is overwhelmed with guilt or shame.

If you would like to learn more about porn addiction and restoring your marriage contact me at Support@VBCC.email

 

Filed Under: Family Therapy, Self-Esteem, Uncategorized

Co-Parenting Strategies for Divorced Parents

March 19, 2018 by Virginia Beach Coaching and Counseling Leave a Comment (Edit)

Going through a divorce can bring the worst out of a couple that once promised each other forever. Your world might feel like it’s falling apart, and trying to co-parent when you’re struggling to simply keep going can be overwhelming. Learning to co-parent won’t be easy, but it’s not impossible. Use the five strategies below to start co-parenting with your ex.

1. Focus on the Children

By maintaining the focus on what’s best for your children, you can work toward providing as peaceful a home as possible for them. Providing them loving stability and structure will help ease them through this time of transition.

2. Communication is Essential

As you go through your divorce, your communication with your ex will inevitably suffer. It may be difficult to communicate with them; you may not want to talk to, or hear from, your ex. However, it’s important that communication regarding the children is maintained, and that your children are not used as messengers (i.e., “Tell your father you have a recital on Friday.”) Communicate directly with your spouse, finding creative ways to communicate to avoid conflict if necessary (text, email, letters, etc.)

3. Just the Facts

If you’re harboring resentment or have unfinished emotional business with your ex, the desire to express your emotional needs can feel overwhelming. Make a commitment to yourself that for the sake of your children’s well being, you’ll keep conversations focused on the issues.

4. Embrace Change

As you go through your divorce, there will be a great deal of change for yourself, your ex and your children. By expecting and embracing change, you’ll reduce the stress you feel when the unexpected presents itself.

5. Prioritize Your Health

Maintaining your health is important not only for you, but for your children as well. As they learn to cope with the changes in their family, having a healthy, happy, rested parent will help them adjust. Your children depend on you, and you owe it to them to give them your absolute best as a parent. Additionally, taking time to exercise and eat healthy will help you take the focus off of your divorce, and shift the focus back on to you moving forward, and making positive changes in your life.

As we go through a divorce, we mourn the relationship lost, and the dreams we had of the future. Although your ex is no longer your partner, your ex is still your child’s parent, and you will always be co-parents of the children you have together. Learning to get along and communicate will bring comfort to your children as they learn to cope with their parents’ divorce.

If you’re going through a divorce and struggling to co-parent effectively, call me today and let’s set up an appointment to talk.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

4 Reasons We Judge Others and How to Break the Habit

March 21, 2018 by Virginia Beach Coaching and Counseling Leave a Comment

One of the things most of us are taught as children is to never judge others. “Don’t judge a book by its cover!” And yet, despite our best efforts, many of us fall into the trap over and over again. Why do we do it?

Here are four common reasons that explain this particularly bad habit of judging other people.

It Lets Us Feel Superior

Tearing other people down is one way people prop themselves up. By judging others harshly, we compare ourselves to them and find ourselves superior. Compared to their life, their behavior, their physique, we look pretty good! But this kind of comparison is false and unhealthy. Instead of finding faults in others, we would do much better to focus on how we can become our best selves.

It Helps Us Recognize Our Goals

Judging is a way for us to perceive the world and figure out where exactly we fit in. When we form opinions of others, we are able to recognize what we like and aspire to be, as well as what we don’t like and want to avoid.

It Uncovers Our Own Faults

More often than not, we are bothered by the qualities in others that we choose not to see in ourselves. We rail against another’s habits, appearance or lifestyle choices because they are the very ones we dislike in ourselves.

It Makes Us Feel Part of a Group

Occasionally, judging can make us feel part of a club. Let’s say there is a work situation where one person complains about something, and then another person agrees, and then another and another. Before you know it, a group has formed around negativity. Sometimes this negativity can be funny and based around a silly situation, but often the negativity can be at the expense of another.

How to Break the Judgement Habit

If you’ve recognized your tendency toward judgement, here are a few tips to break the habit:

  • Try to take a moment to understand where other people are coming from, and why they may look or behave the way they do.
  • Try to recognize your own insecurities, and work on building yourself up instead of tearing others down. Does their behavior mirror your own?
  • Examine your friendships and associations. Are they based on positivity or demeaning others? If the latter, disassociate yourself and focus on building connections based on positivity and mutual respect.

If you discover you have a tendency to judge others based on your own low self-esteem, it may help to speak with a therapist who can help you uncover the reasons behind it and offer coping strategies.

If you or someone you know is interested in exploring treatment, please get in touch with me. I would be happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

Filed Under: Self-Esteem

7 Warning Signs of Porn Addiction

March 19, 2018 by Dr. Chuck Carrington

 7 Warning Signs of Porn Addiction:


 Defensive or Reactive Attitude:

  • Does he get angry or defensive about unexplained or recurring charges on your credit cards?
  • Does he resent you interrupting his time on the computer?
  • He gets angry when you try to discuss your love life.
  • He’s defensive when asked about porn use.
  • A request to stop looking at porn may be met with hostility, anger or denial.

Changes in Sexual Expectations or Preferences:

  • Does he ask or insist that you to perform sexual acts outside your norm or make you uncomfortable, demand that you engage in very odd positions, or increasingly risky venues?
  • Has his sexual appetite dramatically increased, decreased, or been lost altogether?
  • Has he become emotionally distant, distracted, or not “present” during intercourse?
  • Does he seem to have a change of desire such as in looking more intently at other women, younger women, or progressively younger women?
  • Does it take more and more stimulation or aggression for him to get to orgasm.
  • Has he been masturbating on a regular or increased basis, while at the same time lacks interest in sex or is sexually unresponsive?

Blame Shifting:

  • Does he make you feel used or belittled sexually or criticize your performance?
  • Is he blaming you for problems in the bedroom, or ignore you after he is finished with you?
  • Does it take more and more stimulation or aggression for him to get to orgasm.

Increasing Isolation

  • Demands for being alone on the computer, seeking more time to be alone, finding excuses not to go out with the family, spending more time in the bathroom, being secretive about his time. Spends an excessive amount of time on the computer, demands privacy and/or changing his bedtime ritual.

Changes in Energy Level:

  • Does he seem excessively tired? He may be spending time on the computer while he should be asleep.

Suspicious Behavior.

  • When the computer, does rush to type something on the keyboard when you come in? Does he clear the browser history frequently?
  • Does your husband seem to be less focused than usual?
  • Is he unable to complete tasks that he was able to before?
  • Is he more irritable than usual?  More withdrawn?  Does he resent you interrupting his time on the computer?
  • Does he have a private or secret email address or cellphone?
  • You feel like you’re no longer getting straight answers.
  • You feel like you’re no longer getting straight answers when you ask for explanations about why your love life has changed. He’s defensive when asked about porn use.

Changes in Mood

  • You notice withdrawal (emotional distress) when he stops watching porn.
  • Irritability increases without an obvious reason or trigger.
  • Seems more energized or excited when anticipating alone time.

Inability to Stop

  • Engages in high-risk behavior such as viewing porn at work, in social settings on his phone, or at libraries.
  • He continues to use pornography despite warnings at work.
  • Continues even when you tell him how you feel, even if you tell him you will leave him.
  • Continues to view, even after he develops a severe sexual dysfunction, is overwhelmed with guilt or shame.

If you would like to learn more about porn addiction and restoring your marriage contact me at Support@VBCC.email

 

Filed Under: Family Therapy, Self-Esteem, Uncategorized

Co-Parenting Strategies for Divorced Parents

March 19, 2018 by Virginia Beach Coaching and Counseling Leave a Comment

Going through a divorce can bring the worst out of a couple that once promised each other forever. Your world might feel like it’s falling apart, and trying to co-parent when you’re struggling to simply keep going can be overwhelming. Learning to co-parent won’t be easy, but it’s not impossible. Use the five strategies below to start co-parenting with your ex.

1. Focus on the Children

By maintaining the focus on what’s best for your children, you can work toward providing as peaceful a home as possible for them. Providing them loving stability and structure will help ease them through this time of transition.

2. Communication is Essential

As you go through your divorce, your communication with your ex will inevitably suffer. It may be difficult to communicate with them; you may not want to talk to, or hear from, your ex. However, it’s important that communication regarding the children is maintained, and that your children are not used as messengers (i.e., “Tell your father you have a recital on Friday.”) Communicate directly with your spouse, finding creative ways to communicate to avoid conflict if necessary (text, email, letters, etc.)

3. Just the Facts

If you’re harboring resentment or have unfinished emotional business with your ex, the desire to express your emotional needs can feel overwhelming. Make a commitment to yourself that for the sake of your children’s well being, you’ll keep conversations focused on the issues.

4. Embrace Change

As you go through your divorce, there will be a great deal of change for yourself, your ex and your children. By expecting and embracing change, you’ll reduce the stress you feel when the unexpected presents itself.

5. Prioritize Your Health

Maintaining your health is important not only for you, but for your children as well. As they learn to cope with the changes in their family, having a healthy, happy, rested parent will help them adjust. Your children depend on you, and you owe it to them to give them your absolute best as a parent. Additionally, taking time to exercise and eat healthy will help you take the focus off of your divorce, and shift the focus back on to you moving forward, and making positive changes in your life.

As we go through a divorce, we mourn the relationship lost, and the dreams we had of the future. Although your ex is no longer your partner, your ex is still your child’s parent, and you will always be co-parents of the children you have together. Learning to get along and communicate will bring comfort to your children as they learn to cope with their parents’ divorce.

If you’re going through a divorce and struggling to co-parent effectively, call me today and let’s set up an appointment to talk.

Filed Under: Family Therapy, Parenting

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